Shards of the past, still lodged in the present

[jennythereader]

This was inspired by the "rooms you've never left" posts done on several people's journals recently, including nounsandverbs.

Parts of me are still...
10 years old - sitting on the living room couch with my brothers, listening to Mom & Dad tell us they were separating.

12 years old - showing Mom the magazine that had published one of my poems, only to have her freak because Dad's new girlfriend was one of the editors. I left the house in tears and walked for what felt like hours, she drove to Dad's house and wreaked stuff.

13 years old - breaking down in tears after reading a poem about my just-deceased grandfather to the class... and having my classmates laugh at me.

13 years old - watching that horrible movie at my cousin's church, never really being able to feel un-conflicted about Christianity again.

15 years old - In english class, reciting a poem about how isolated I felt, and seeing a look in some of my classmates eyes made me realize that they hadn't really understood what they were doing to me all those years. Long term, things didn't change much, but for a little while they were better.

17 years old - sitting backstage after a play rehearsal, talking about how I "knew I wasn't very love-able, and didn't really expect to ever meet someone." Alicia signing my yearbook a few weeks later with reassuring words that I would. She was right, and sometimes that still suprises me.

There are other moments that are still with me, but these are the ones that are lodged so deeply that I think they will still be affecting me until the day I die.

Comments

[purpura.livejournal.com]

What horrible movie?

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I don't remember the name of it, if I ever knew, but it was about what will happen when the events in the Book of Revelations begin.

The scene that gave me nightmares for weeks was the last scene in the entire movie. A group of people who had refused to take the Mark of the Beast were being held prisoner in a church. One of the main characters, a young woman, was among them. She was taken out to the parking lot behind the church and told that it was her last chance. They then panned the camera away from the character and stopped at a bloody guillotine. The screen went blank, and all you could hear was her screaming.

[sioneva.livejournal.com]

Wow...I'm glad I never saw it or it would have given me nightmares too :/

I have similar moments but have never stopped to put them together in quite this way. Thank you for sharing some of yours!

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

That experience played a large part in forming my opinions about religious fundamentalists (of every type), and left an ambivalence in my feelings about Christianity in general that still lingers.

I love most of the concepts that Jesus taught, but hate what some of his followers have done with his ideas.

[collwen.livejournal.com]

15 years old - In english class, reciting a poem about how isolated I felt, and seeing a look in some of my classmates eyes made me realize that they hadn't really understood what they were doing to me all those years. Long term, things didn't change much, but for a little while they were better

I had a similar thing happen when I was a senior (17/18) in creative writing class. One of the popular girls who was in my class asked me, "Is that how you've felt?" To which I replied, "Yeah, since elementary school."

Things changed a little bit, but it was also senior year so there wasn't a lot of time for things to change.

[purpura.livejournal.com]

That would have given me nightmares too! I still have nightmares from 8th grade when they made us read horror stories in class that Halloween!

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

It wasn't a very good poem. I definitely stretched my metaphor of being surrounded by walls cutting me off from the rest of the world too far, but it was heartfelt and I remember being grateful that some of my classmates sort of understood what I was trying to say.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

It was awful. Jackie (my cousin) and I both had nightmares that night.

[collwen.livejournal.com]

I still have mine; I typed it up and it's in the archive of poems and other writing I have on my pc and various disks.. "Alone in a Sea Full of People."

[purpura.livejournal.com]

BTW, I love your "Jesus was a liberal" icons. It's so very true!

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Thanks! They were made by mhari, and I'm pretty sure I grabbed them off of the community liberal_icons

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I probably still have a copy somewhere, most likely in one of the million and one boxes in the attic.

Christianity and your movie

[(Anonymous)]

Amazing that you took that scene as a part of Christianity - when it is a scene describing what the world of evil does and will do to Christians. Much of it is beginning today - with those that would stifle any Christian observances and who promote immorality and evil in our arts and lifestyles.

Re: Christianity and your movie

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Mostly it isn't the movie itself that continues to bother me, but the fact that the church my cousin was attending felt that this was a good movie to show at a occasion where there were lots of kids present, most younger than Jackie & I. I don't remember exactly what the occasion was, but I think it was a "Christian alternative" to a holiday like Halloween or New Years Eve.

Basically it ties into my feeling that any group that feels it needs to manipulate people's emotions in order to get them to join has something seriously wrong with it.

It was my first exposure to the ways that the more conservative branches of Christianity differ from the mainstream/liberal tradition that I was raised in.

Note: This is almost a direct copy & paste of my reply to Tom's sister when she raised a similar point.

[(Anonymous)]

Wow alright a little brain overload with this one so many things to say. First off wow that is a lot of hurt!! I really hope you are working on book marking some good moments these days to add to those. Secondly what kind of sadistic teachers did you have that had you read your own poems to the class in high school that is just giving the students a chance to make fun of each other. Not cool! Movie does sound awful. I never understand why some people always focus on the bad things like that in preaching religion instead of mentioning that she probably felt no pain or suffering because she went to heaven for not betraying her faith. I think her screaming in the movie would show more lack of faith because Jesus promises to be with us in those moments of life and carry on through them. Alright I will get down from the soap box in a minute. My main point is Jesus and God are about love and all that goes with it generousity, acceptance etc and those who don't practice that but use anger and fear to "preach" are not coming from a very Godly place. Alright that all! ~S

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Well, the poem about my grandfather was an assignment to write about someone we admired. It was pretty good for an 8th grader's work, and I was proud enough of it that I foolishly volunteered to read it. The later one was an assignment to memorize and recite any poem we wanted, and I figured it would be easier to memorize one that I had written.

My main point is Jesus and God are about love and all that goes with it generousity, acceptance etc and those who don't practice that but use anger and fear to "preach" are not coming from a very Godly place.

I agree with that completely. What that experience really changed for me was my few of organized religion and churches, not my view of Jesus and his teachings. I try to live my life by the Golden Rule and "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Maybe I should re-write that section to make things clearer.

[(Anonymous)]

No you were clear my point was more directed at the fact that so many people are turned off by those tactics and that they should be and it is not God's way to attract believers. I am often frustrated by the "power trip" that some preachers get on but feel the overwhelming need for faith in my life so I pray for them and realize they are human too and continue on with my beliefs. Afterall, I go to church to pray to God not the priest :)

You were very brave to share those peoms with your class. That kind of courage often intimidates others, remember that also when you go back tp those rooms ;) Much love! ~S