Shards of the past, still lodged in the present

[jennythereader]

This was inspired by the "rooms you've never left" posts done on several people's journals recently, including nounsandverbs.

Parts of me are still...
10 years old - sitting on the living room couch with my brothers, listening to Mom & Dad tell us they were separating.

12 years old - showing Mom the magazine that had published one of my poems, only to have her freak because Dad's new girlfriend was one of the editors. I left the house in tears and walked for what felt like hours, she drove to Dad's house and wreaked stuff.

13 years old - breaking down in tears after reading a poem about my just-deceased grandfather to the class... and having my classmates laugh at me.

13 years old - watching that horrible movie at my cousin's church, never really being able to feel un-conflicted about Christianity again.

15 years old - In english class, reciting a poem about how isolated I felt, and seeing a look in some of my classmates eyes made me realize that they hadn't really understood what they were doing to me all those years. Long term, things didn't change much, but for a little while they were better.

17 years old - sitting backstage after a play rehearsal, talking about how I "knew I wasn't very love-able, and didn't really expect to ever meet someone." Alicia signing my yearbook a few weeks later with reassuring words that I would. She was right, and sometimes that still suprises me.

There are other moments that are still with me, but these are the ones that are lodged so deeply that I think they will still be affecting me until the day I die.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

No you were clear my point was more directed at the fact that so many people are turned off by those tactics and that they should be and it is not God's way to attract believers. I am often frustrated by the "power trip" that some preachers get on but feel the overwhelming need for faith in my life so I pray for them and realize they are human too and continue on with my beliefs. Afterall, I go to church to pray to God not the priest :)

You were very brave to share those peoms with your class. That kind of courage often intimidates others, remember that also when you go back tp those rooms ;) Much love! ~S