Something about me

[jennythereader]

I've spent most of the last 20 years afraid to try anything about my appearance. Afraid that if I tried anything unusual, or different from what people expected from me I'd get a bad reaction. Afraid to be told, yet again, that people like me shouldn't wear something like that.

Because it happened. Over and over again for years. I bought an beret at an army surplus store one summer, and was mocked about it by random strangers on the street. I gave it up after a couple of weeks. I wore make-up to school on my birthday, and was told by one person I looked like a clown and another that I looked like a hooker. I don't think I ever wore make-up to school again, and almost never for other occasions. My mom bought me a beautiful dress from a thrift store, and when I let it slip where it had come from that was good for a week's teasing. Quirky second hand clothing vanished from my wardrobe. When I went to the other extreme and came to school in clothes that I'd bought from Macy's or Bloomingdale's in NYC I got accused of showing off. Nice stuff stopped being worn. Repeat, with variations, from 5th through 12th grades. Eventually my wardrobe was reduced to jeans and a sweater or t-shirt.

It wasn't just classmates. It was teachers and friends and even family. Even once I was out of the sort of environment where people felt free to say cruel things I had been so hyper-sensitized that something as mild as the wrong type of smile would make me horribly self-conscious and make me question everything about my appearance.

It's only in the last couple of years that I've finally started coming out of this. I'm trying new styles for clothing, learning about make-up, experimenting with my hair, and buying quirky accessories.

When I asked for my friends input yesterday on an idea I had for my hair and one friend said she didn't really think it was a good idea, it wasn't so much what she said that hurt. It was that the way she phrased her (perfectly reasonable) objections managed to hit squarely on this still healing mental wound.

Comments

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry that happened. Completely natural and understandable -- but I've just been so delighted that you've been getting more into fashion and experimenting lately! I think it's wonderful!

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :)

[inaurolillium.livejournal.com]

How do you do with suggestions of things that might work better instead? If those are better, you might ask your friends to phrase things that way.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I'm OK with them, sometimes I hear it as an implication that the speaker thinks that I was too stupid to think of that myself. Unfortunately, it seems to be as much about my own state of mind at the time as anything else.

An opinion

[datascavenger.livejournal.com]

Personally, I think you'd look cute in a beret. Just a gut feeling. It's a shame that people treat eah other so poorly.

Re: An opinion

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I certainly thought so at the time.

[stefka.livejournal.com]

I am SO with you on this one. Seriously. "You're too fat to wear that kind of (enter garment name here)." The first time I showed up at school in non-generic jeans, I got a stage-whispered conversation: "I didn't think she could AFFORD those." "Neither did I." And similar, right down to the hooker comment the first time I wore lipstick. From a longtime friend, at that.

Even now, I'm afraid to buy clothes. And I'm sure that shows.

You go find a beret. Or a nifty dress.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I rarely got the "you're too fat" thing, instead it was "you look ridiculous in that."

[siderea]

Something that it might help to know: Sometimes girls get picked to be "The Ugly One" in their community. It can have nothing to do with what they look like or their actual fashion sense. Anything The Ugly One does with clothes or fashion is derided, because she's not considered Ugly because of her appearance; rather, her appearance is ruled ugly because she's a priori Ugly. They do it to have a reliable way to feel superior and have a target onto which to project their insecurities about their own attractiveness.

Thus it can be -- and often is -- the case that when people say "you look ridiculous in that", they weren't thinking you looked ugly, but rather they were thinking you didn't know your place, that it was "ridiculous" for The Ugly One to think she was entitled to look fine and have nice things. Kind of a "who does she think she is, dressing like a normal person!" thing. If a community has decided a girl is to be the Ugliness scapegoat, it will shove her back into place any time she transgresses being not-Ugly, because it is emotionally useful to them to have such a scapegoat.

People suck.

When someone is mocked for having nice things that other people get to have without comment, that's often what is going on.

It can be a class thing ("Who does that prole think she is dressing in brand X?"), a race thing ("Ha ha how funny a [epithet] in a dress"), an IQ thing ("Everybody knows smart chicks are dogs"), or even just a group dynamics thing ("Tag you're it"), or any thing.

So there's a good chance that at least sometimes when people said that to you, it didn't indicate you were getting it wrong. It indicated you were getting it right, and that they could not stand because of their prejudice against you and they way they were psychologically exploiting you.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I suspect something like that was going on. It was probably a mix of class (my family was more-or-less blue collar in a very white collar town) and the IQ thing.

[arathreel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I feel like an ass and a bad friend. As I said, if you are serious, I will support you all the way. I'm not very good at things like this. I have no social filters on me and am always truthful. If you had instead asked which color, I'm sure none of that had come out. Perhaps that was what you meant and I saw it incorrectly. In either case, I'm sorry.

Understand that I'm not trying to say 'you aren't the right person for this type of style'. To me, it was just a shocking thing to hear because you have a style so set in my mind with all the things you show off etsy and the dress you bought for New Year's. It is a very feminine style that I adore and admire with a very 1920'/feminine feel to it. Yes, a beret would work. Yes, make up would/does look fabulous on you. And you rocked those heels and that dress like no one's business. I find you to be such an adult flavor of awesome and I really look up to you for it. I love your adventurous style of -not- always thinking of jeans and t-shirt but wearing skirts and wearing heels and all that gorgeous jewelry you find. I'm still looking for my feminine style, but can't seem to find it. Everything feels/looks awkward on me. But it fits you. So it isn't that it isn't your type of style to dye your hair, it is just a shock to hear and I respect and admire you so much that I just was worried you might regret it.

I'm sorry if I went too far. I had a bad childhood too. I wasn't able to wear dresses after people told me I was 'the beast in beauty's clothing'. I understand what it is like. I think you are a wonderful person. You asked for opinions and I gave you mine. But I did add that it does not and should not influence your own.

I guess I'm just rambling. I don't know what to say. But you can have everyone point at me and say 'bad friend' for not being supportive.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

I did ask for opinions, and you did honestly give me yours. It's not your fault that I had a bruise that your phrasing managed to hit.

And if I regret it, so what? It's hair. It can be cut off or dyed over.

(And to be clear, I'm not planning anything this crazy. (http://www.flickr.com/photos/chinad0ll/494044465/) More like this (http://cf.ltkcdn.net/hair/images/slide/3701-290x400-blue1.jpg), or this (http://individual.utoronto.ca/salanth/bluehair.jpg). Possibly as much as one (http://your-hairstyles.com/img/arts/2010/Sep/10/324/blue_hair_highlight.jpg) of these (http://www.curlypurly.com/blog/20070826/hair.jpg).

[tx-cronopio.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, as a complete stranger, I didn't take it that way at all. I didn't hear her saying you were a bad friend, I heard her saying that her past makes it difficult to accept even well-meant comments. But your comment here was both kind and valiant.

[mutantenemy.livejournal.com]

Life is too short to blend into the background. Do what feels right for you, even if that's sporting peacock coloured hair. ;-)

Love,
Radioactive Redhead :)

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

That's the attitude I'm trying to cultivate. It's hard, but I'm trying.

[addergoole.livejournal.com]

*looks down at her sweater and jeans thoughtfully*

I'm with you.

It's taken a long time for me to show any bravery in what I wear at all, and your description is pretty much on the money.

[jennythe-reader.livejournal.com]

Good luck with your attempts.

[addergoole.livejournal.com]

You, too!

It's slow going, but the weight loss over the last year is forcing me to buy a new wardrobe anyway.